// A letter to the abyss//

I love it when you hold me and my face gets too hot and my neck starts to cramp. You hold onto me like a teddy bear, but unlike a teddy bear I have bones and muscles and lungs and no…my neck doesn’t bend that way and my arm is now asleep. But you’re sleeping so comfortably, and I can smell you, hear you. I try not to move, even though you’re the kind of sleeper that sleeps through alarms. Eventually, I’ll slip away and fall asleep. 

You wake up in the middle night, but only partially. Enough to move your body but not enough to remember it in the morning. You sit up, put your hands on my face, you giggle and make sure it’s me. You kiss my forehead and my neck, then pull me in again on your side of the bed. I don’t even care that I’ll be tired in the morning, I’ll have this memory to get me through the day. 

I often think about walking away. I’m holding back the last string that keeps my heart secured to my own chest, always making sure there’s a knot to keep it from slipping off. You’ve never said you love me and I’m certain you’ve asked yourself. You aren’t sure yet. You don’t like being vulnerable, you’ve been hurt. I don’t really believe anyone loves me, at least not voluntarily. Sure, my family probably loves me but that’s just evolution. The selfish gene. 

I’ve never been happier in a relationship. I don’t think this is even possible to explain unless you’ve experienced it. I suppose we think this in every relationship, I’ve definitely been in love and I’ve learned that love isn’t really that special. What’s special is the work and commitment. I’ve given myself away before and have had butterflies by the same man that turned me borderline stalker. When that man gave me back my bleeding heart, he cried while I held him and I told him it would all be ok, he didn’t have to stay. The next day I showed up to his house a bawling mess and asked him to hold me close to his chest. Now, I look at that man and see a child. By loving men who would never love me, who in some ways hated me, I guaranteed I would never really be hurt. I would always have enough strength to hold them and give them the keys to the car to drive away. By leaving me, they fulfill my expectations of self hate. By leaving me, they strengthen my solitude and harden my heart. I always partially wanted them to leave. 

But you. You and me are constant. We haven’t fought yet. I’ve never approached a relationship so slowly before. Nearly a year and the one time I passively aggressively tested you, you said “you’re right. I’ll do better”, then you came over and held my hand while we talked about our favorite part of the day and my chest about collapsed with shame. I’ve never been happier in a relationship because I’ve never been more myself. We spend time apart. Not a lot, but enough that it feels like too much when I’m in it. You aren’t perfect. But you’re so perfectly imperfect. You work so hard to be better and you somehow encourage me to do the same while never making me feel bad about who I currently am. 

I’ve never wanted someone so badly before. Because this time, my heart and my brain are in agreement and the thought of it makes me want to vomit because I still can’t get to a place where I think I deserve this. I’m certain you will leave. The question is when and if I should leave before the string breaks, losing my heart.